My world was made better all by myself 世界因為自己而變得豐富

I studied in the local school when I was young, from primary to secondary (I am a high school drop out!).

When I was in high school, 5’4 at 180lbs, most of my school friends and mates always make fun of my weight and make it the “subject daily”, just like any high school i guess. Although I wasn’t happy about it, somehow I don’t mind that much thinking, well they are speaking the truth, I am fat!

I have always been single and think it must be because I am fat and no other reasons. ( living in HK you have to be a size 4 to not be called fat) I know I am not ugly and I am a fun-loving girl with many guy friends. However, I have never had a proper childhood or teenage life where at least there will be some teenage romance for me. The closest thing would be being approached by pervy old men in the street!:S

After all these years of feeling unattractive and being proven by having no one to date or love, it’s easy to feel that I am not worthy, and since, I have developed very low self esteem, and at some point, I have become a tomboy to protect my own feelings.

Around 20 something, I have met someone online in a chatroom, I have never met him before but we have been talking everyday for a couple of years (yes, 2 years, this is obviously not a tinder era) before we finally met. I was worried sick that he will turn his back on me when he found out how big I am in person. Just thinking about the opportunity to finally have a love life with someone I really click with and love, I couldn’t control my thoughts about wanting to be thin, I thought not eating will give me what I wanted and to change the reality for me.

And if I start doing exercise and not eating at the same time, perhaps it would work! I have 3 months before I get to see him, and that is when I started to control my diet, not eating properly.

Maybe it’s in the name of love, or maybe it’s just all the issues that have been built up for years, at one point, I was only having 80 calories per day and for months, I have felt like I can’t even walk because I have no energy.

It’s funny because I started to have guys coming over to approach me since I have slimed down around 30lbs (14kg), yet I am still a fat girl in many people’s eyes, and no matter what torment I was putting myself through in my head, I still hear guys telling me “if you lose some weight, I will date you”.

Eventually, my immune system got too weak and I was having an inflammation in my body that won’t go away. I was put into the hospital. My family had no idea what was going on and I lied about it. They thought I just had an inflammation and never really asked how.

During the time in hospital, I asked myself, why would I do something like that to myself? Love ≠ EVERYTHING in life! If I am single, does it means I am not worthy? on the other hand, if I have a partner, does that make my life complete and all problems will be going away?

I realise I have to love myself more, be more positive and take care of myself. Since then I started travelling a lot more, study again and focus on my career and knowledge. Now, at age 30 something, I am still a fat girl, but I am happy that I have found happiness in myself. My world was made better by myself, not anyone else.

TL;DR

Love yourself, improve and learn; have some moderate exercise and create a healthy eating habit because taking care of your health is being a responsible adult.

Most of all, please don’t compare yourself with others and just do your best.

You can also be a happy person.

我從小學到中學都係喺本地學校讀書,係中學嘅時候,五呎四,180幾磅,學校啲同學都會成日明示暗示笑我肥,用嚟做話題。雖然有唔開心,但其實我都唔係幾介意(因為係事實)。

所以單身多年, 一直覺得係因為自己肥,冇諗過有冇其他原因。仲成日自問其實唔係醜樣同埋性格爽朗,鍾意玩,好多男仔朋友,但係點解就從來就無人追(鹹濕亞伯非禮就大把)。多年長期係咁,影響到個人冇冇晒自信心,自卑同埋變成好似個男仔頭去保護自己。

20幾歲,識咗個男仔,第一次有機會談戀愛,當時有段時間試過唔食嘢同埋狂做運動減肥,瘦咗30磅,我以為就咁我嘅世界會變好,會完全唔同,所以慢慢變成有厭食症。
雖然嗰陣時有比較正常啲嘅身形,但係喺好多人嘅眼中仍然都係覺得我好肥,呢個階段有好幾個男仔同我講"你瘦啲我會最追你"。
心諗點解雖然減咗30磅,但係都仲咁唔開心, 仲搞到有埋病?其實根本思想同精神都有D問題, 之後仲入埋醫院。

我係醫院期間, 醒覺到一個人唔可以淨係掛住拍拖同埋想有男朋友就乜都唔理,愛情≠一切,呢個世界有大把其他啲野可以做嘅,唔通我冇男朋友就等於我冇用?咁係咪有男朋友就等於好好,等於冇其他煩惱?不如搞掂自己先講啦。喺呢個時候, 我振作起來,開始個人冇咁負面消極,仲周圍去旅行,開始讀番書同埋積極咁向我嘅事業進發,到咗今日30幾歲,仍然都係肥妹一名,但係咁多年來我學到好多唔同嘅嘢,發掘到唔同嘅興趣,我嘅世界因為自己而變得豐富。我仲將我咁多年來學到點樣着衫知識擺上網俾D同我差唔多嘅女仔睇添。

今次係我第一次用中文寫關於自己嘅事,希望你哋睇到,同時會察覺到自己唔係咁差,你地有大把世界等着你地去探索㗎,加油。

仲有,有時緣份可能唔係咁早嚟,但係當你準備好自己嘅時候,呢啲嘢自然就會自己嚟搵你㗎啦。

將自己做好D,飲食健康,適量運動,肥啲都唔係問題,只要唔好同人地比較,唔好討論別人,你都可以做到一個好開心嘅人。